Contemplative.

Early this morning, I was greeted by the blistering cold, and an obligation to have a meditative walk. My head has felt so jumbled these past few days, I miss my earlier mentality. I seem to have all the ideas still there, but I can't seem to invoke the passion and conviction in them I did before. Two steps back, three steps forward... maybe?

When I arrived home, I walked around for a few minutes before falling asleep. I dreamt a whole batch of dreams. I can't remember them now, as I overslept. However, I do remember that it felt much like my brain was twirling around and round, trying to sort itself out. The dreams were my subconscious confusion displaying it's complexities to my conscious mind, as for most of this I was aware that I was dreaming. Trying to sort it all out, over and over. My mind mulling over all the information, memories, thoughts, ideas... I felt involved in this process, but at the same time it was as if I was trying to tell myself something.

I awoke with a slight headache, less confusion stirring at the foreground of my consciousness. This is a definite step up, but it's not the mentality I miss, and was hoping to achieve. Or maybe, it's exactly what I wanted and I just don't know it yet..

An excerpt from a conversation this afternoon with a friend:

"I made a distinct and necessary decision to let go of any trust in others, and to see things how they really are. Unclouded by emotion, or any structure. Raw information which I myself must analyze and figure out. I came to the realization a while ago that all people have it wrong, non of us are right, yet non of us are explicitly incorrect. We just have pieces of the puzzle here and there."

It's becoming more and more clear to me... that I cannot rely on others, in any way. I must rely on myself, in more ways then one. At the moment I am referring to evolution.

*sigh* I was enjoying the company.